An Introduction

For as long as I can remember, when I hear anyone say how much they love the Bible because "it teaches me something new every time I read it!" or "It never fails to bring my spirits up" or "I just randomly open it up and it tells me what I need to know!" etc., this is me on the inside:

But like any other person who doesn't want to feel awkward I don't have that outward response. I either remove myself from the conversation, change the subject, or sit there feeling awkward while others engage around me.

Where Christian doctrine is concerned, from my vantage point anyway, the world seems to be made up of these types of people:

1. People who are equally antagonistic towards all religions and their texts.
2. People who don't particularly care for any organized religion but are particularly vocal about their opinions of the Bible.
3. People who personally don't give two poots either way about any religious texts, the Bible included.
4. People who say they believe in the bible but secretly don't actually know what's in it.
5. People who say they love the Bible and know what's in it, but they express it in a way that is without regard for the feelings of others
6. People who love the Bible, understand the meaning of whats in it, and express it in a way that is so lovely and draws people in

And then you have people like me.

7. People who wish they could love the bible - but just can't.

I openly acknowledge that I ascribe to the Christian faith. BUT. I have a lot of reservations, a generous amount of doubts and even some straight up dislike all wrapped up in excessive emotional baggage. At best, reading the Bible just leaves me feeling confused. Sometimes I even feel like I just must not actually speak English. At worst, thanks to pure O OCD, it leaves me terrified. More often then not, when I read the bible, I am left with a bad taste in my mouth, and I don't know what to do about it.

To make an extremely long story short, I fell victim to extreme anxiety and depression in the fall semester of my sophomore year of high school. I was incredibly high functioning but also incredibly miserable.

Every day.

For 10 years.

At the beginning of 2014 I had a wonderful break where I felt like a normal human. At the end of 2015, a particularly horrific year for the Krakowiaks, my depression began slowly creeping back. In 2016 my anxiety returned so suddenly and with such force that I felt like my brain exploded, and I had a legit mental break down. I would go 60 (yes, thats six - zero) hours without sleeping, get 2 hours of restless sleep and then go another 24 or more hours without a single wink. I lost 10 pounds that I didn't need to lose. I would sit in a fetal position in the corner and cry until I lost the ability to produce tears. After 5 weeks of this nonsense I was diagnosed with pure O OCD. Thanks to medication, cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT), counseling, and support from my friends and family I am now able to manage my symptoms.

I have lots of triggers, but the ones that have caused me the most trouble are intrusive religious thoughts. The thoughts that made me lose my mind in 2016 were:

1. Because I wasn't willing to let myself or my husband be brutally tortured or killed in order to tell people about Jesus, then God must hate me.
2. If God hates me then there is nothing I could do to avoid going to Hell
3. I am one wrong step away from dying and suffering physical and mental anguish for the rest of all eternity.

That was all I thought about, and nothing I did could get those thoughts out of my head. All I allowed myself to do was read the Bible or sermon transcripts. Because my brain was literally insane at the time, everything I read in the bible just reinforced those intrusive thoughts. But the intrusive thoughts only reinforced that all I was allowed to do was read the Bible. (oh, hello there, Obsessive Thoughts; I'd like you to meet Compulsive Behavior!). This is what I meant earlier when I said the Bible can leave me terrified.

The best tool I learned in CBT is a four step process:

1. Identify the thought that is troubling you
2. Consider how you usually respond
3. Identify a truthful statement to combat the troubling thought
4. Consider how you can choose to respond in light of the truthful statement.

So when I experience an intrusive religious thought, I need a truthful religious statement to train my brain to not lose its mind again. But where do Christians look for truthful religious statements? The Bible. But Michelle, didn't you just say that the Bible is a significant source of your intrusive thoughts? Yes, yes I did. See my predicament?

For well over a year I was too afraid to open a bible, and talking about my fear of scripture would bring me to tears. I knew that I wasn't thinking rationally when I was in the OCD spiral that sent me over the edge, but I was so afraid that I would send myself back into a crisis if I wasn't careful. I just didn't trust my brain to behave itself. More recently I decided that I am tired of being a slave to my fear of the Bible. I decided that I would start reading the bible but keep a written log of my questions and feelings. The key was to leave some space so that I could do some research for truth statements to combat any bad feelings, and write them side by side.

Two weeks ago, I started reading with a purple pen and a floral print journal that says "Faith plants the seed, Love makes it grow". Because I am an adult and I do what I want.

I made it through about 5 days of material.

Keeping a handwritten journal is too slow and messy for my moves-a-mile-a-minute brain, so it seemed appealing to use a computer. But rather than just keeping a log saved privately on my computer I have elected to keep a public blog in case there is someone out there that this could help. I have a few people in mind that I might tell them about this place myself, but I have zero interest in trying to be known as a blogger so I am not planning to shout from the internet rooftops that this blog exists. This means that it logically follows that chances are if you are reading this, then you know me well enough that I have accepted your request to follow me on Instagram or Facebook. Or at the very least, you know someone who knows me and they shared this link with you.

I have chosen to use the chronological reading plan put out by the people of The Bible Project that I found on my YouVersion app.

Each day is broken down into a video devotional and a set of scripture. My general plan is to embed that day's video (they are free to share) and write my thoughts about it. Then I will list what scripture I read with a summary as I understand it and any questions or thoughts I have about it.

If you read through this whole introduction post, then I think I have made it pretty clear I am not a bible scholar, and this isn't meant to be instructional, its meant to be cathartic. But I know that given the nature of the Bible it means I am going to be writing about my feelings on hot button issues. I am not looking to host antagonistic debates, so I have comment moderation turned on. Because again: I'm an adult and I do what I want.

With that said, whether you agree or disagree with what you read here, if you want to chat about it I'd love that; because lets keep it real, I do love the idea of knowing that people are reading what I am writing. I also really love talking. Most of all, though, I hate the idea of someone struggling alone with their thoughts even more. This isn't a thinly veiled attempt to subversively convert anyone. Its just an opportunity to "think out loud" with someone who knows what its like to struggle.

So, there you have it.